It’s normal!

So why didn’t any of you readers tell me??

I asked over 30 moms in my attachment parenting group if they also had intimacy issues post baby and I learned it is VERY common but also rarely spoken of. Why? Maybe people are afraid they’re alone (how I felt)and feel they’re to blame?

Anyway, many moms believe it’s a biological safety measure to protect us from more babies before we are ready. They said once they weaned and got their period back, the feelings went away.

Now I don’t feel quite as bad. I really wish I had known going in though. So I explained this all to Dave. Maybe he gets it,maybe not. Regardless, it’s a small amount of time in the big scheme of things. I still dislike a lot of things and feel all negative-Nancy, but we will get through it.

Still battling a lot of negative feelings

Some days are worse than others.

Basically, I’m feeling angry, sad, annoyed, unhappy, disgusted with my new body, neglected, and alone.

It comes in waves.  Some times I’m very argumentative and absolutely nothing anyone says I agree with.  Other times I just start crying, usually in the car or when Declan is crying and nothing I do makes him stop.  This isn’t how I imagined it.  Isn’t that what every new mom says?

Dave is tired of me having no interest in sex.  I literally find the idea of sex disgusting.  I see sex scenes in movies and shows and think to myself, “gross.  Why do people obsess over sex?” I just don’t see the appeal.  The couple times I managed to have sex, I had to imagine my ex’s to get through it because I don’t find my own husband attractive right now.  Is it the invisiline?  The fact that I know he wants it and that bothers me?  Don’t have a clue.

All I know is it’s starting to show when I’m with the other moms.  I don’t have much to say when we meet.  I sit quietly observing commenting here and there.  I don’t feel close to any of them.  I actually don’t feel close to anyone.  I have no one that I can just call and pour my heart out to.  Maybe that’s my problem?

I’m hiring a teenager to come watch my baby twice a week for three hours at a time so I can get some house work done.

My father in law visits far too frequently.  He means well, he’s helping with the house construction and I’m sure he wants to visit with his new grandchild.  I am thoroughly embarrassed at the state my house is in though.  It’s a DISASTER.  Dirty dishes, chicken shit in the front enterance, toys scattered everywhere.  Clothes (socks, sweatshirts, baby clothes) here and there.  I can’t keep up with it all.

Declan is going through a separation anxiety phase, which I know means that he is becoming attached to me (attachment parenting in the works).  But I am exhausted and tired and some times I just want to be able to go into the laundry room to move the clothes in the washer to the dryer without him screaming at the top of his lungs as if everyone in the world has abandoned him.

I love him, I do.  I love him with all of my being.  And I hate sharing him.  I’m positive right now my father in law is holding him and it’s killing me inside to not know where they are or what they are doing.  Is he crying, looking for me?  Is he happy in someone elses arms?

I’m a wreck.  And my marriage is too.  Dave is trying to be understanding, but he can only take so much.  Last night the dog was horny (god knows why) and he cracks a joke “the dog wants me more than my wife”.  How do you think that makes me feel?  Especially because its true?

To top things off, Dave’s decided he wants to go back to school and get a SECOND job working as a construction engineer.  He finds the work fascinating (and he is very good at it).  But where does that leave us?  I see him less.  He is around to help less.  His son sees him less.  More money being spent.  Overall it pisses me off.  Is he going through some early midlife crisis at 33?  Or I’m I driving him to it?

Whatever caused it, it has made me decide no more children.  I cannot and WILL NOT do it on my own.  If it means taking two birth control pills daily and abstaining even more than I am, so be it.

So there you have it.  My wonderful life is shit right now.